Fear

I read Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years this weekend.  In this book, Miller challenges the reader to live a better story.  He defines story as “a character who wants something and overcomes obstacles to get it.”  A story about a man who wants a Volvo and goes out and buys one is not a good story.  A story about a man who wants to help fatherless children and starts a mentoring program to provide them with role models is a good story.

Fear is one of the factors that Miller points to in describing why people aren’t living better stories.  I think that this is the primary reason I am not living a better story.  When I was 20, I had a chance to live a story about a boy who drove across the country to see the girl of his dreams.  In this story, the boy would tell the girl how he felt, they would kiss, and then they would live happily ever after.  This is not the story that I lived.  Instead, it was a story about a boy who was too scared to make a move.  In this story, someone else made a move, and the boy lost his chance with that girl forever.

Now, I don’t usually tell myself that I’m being motivated by fear.  I never sat down and told myself that I was too scared to kiss my friend Ruth.  I just told myself that I didn’t want to be the guy who drove across the  country just to put the moves on a girl.  I told myself that I was being noble and doing something good by being a coward.  In truth, I wasn’t.

I wonder how often this plays out in my life now.  Am I continuing to work at an unfulfilling job because I have a responsiblity or am I continuing to do this job because I fear what’s on the other side?  Could it be that if I quit and go somewhere else, I’ll find that I wish I had never quite at all?  The whole time that I talk about responsibility and the economy, and the fact that my job gives me some semblance of what I want to really be doing, I think I may just be covering up for my own cowardice.

God, I don’t want to be a coward anymore.  Fear has cost me so much in the past.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore.  Help me to be strong and courageous.  Help me to be bold as a lion.  Amen.

Meaningless

I feel like Solomon must have felt as he penned the first few words of Ecclesiastes.  Everything has become meaningless and wearisome.  None of it seems to matter.  Life has lost its luster and the mundane has set in.  No one can speak to my condition.

Now, before you start to question me, dear reader, understand that I do not mean to say that my faith is lost or gone.  That is not true.  In fact, I feel stronger in my faith.  It’s just that everything else seems so topsy-turvy right now. My thoughts run something like this:

Ruth broke my heart years and years ago, and I’ve never gotten over it.  And I feel like no matter what happens, I’m going to always feel something for her. . . but isn’t that supposed to be true of your first love?  But, I’d never do anything about it, because it would be way beyond inappropriate.  And why isn’t Jessica around to listen?  Why did she just disappear out of my life?  How can you tell someone that you love them and that they are family to you and that you will always be there for them and then just up and delete yourself right out of their life?  I need my sister!  And why is it that the job that I used to enjoy has lost all appeal to me?  It’s as if someone has peeled away the veneer and exposed the truth. . . I do paperwork for a living.  And why do I feel so tired?  AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT?  What happened to my friend, Verita?  Is she okay?  I never seem to have time for my friends.  I can’t figure out where my time goes or why I’m tired or why no one understands that nothing makes sense.  I just feel like I need to get away, but I worry that I’m already away.  And I secretly worry in the middle of the night that Ruth was my destiny and I missed it.  But I shouldn’t even think that.  I should be happy that we are friends and not worry about stupid things that can never be changed.  And she’s just a girl.  And she’s not mine.  And she never was.  AND SERIOUSLY GET OVER IT!  There are so many things I want to do:  write a book, go to school, take a kid fishing, anything but sit around and write this.  Am I just being an idiot?  Shouldn’t I just get back to going to work, doing my best, coming home, cooking, eating, and sleeping?  Isn’t that enough?  Maybe the truth is that nothing in this life has a lot of meaning. . . but that doesn’t sound right.  So, I don’t know.  And this minister I know suddenly calls me out of the blue and asks me all of these questions because he ran into my ex-pastor.  And this guy has always tossed me aside or put me on the back burner.  But now suddenly he acts like he wants me to be a part of what he’s doing.  So where has he been for the past 4 years?  Where was he that day that I came to him practically begging him to let me be a part of it?  But now I’m supposed to come running to him?  Why does being ordained make people so arrogant?!  Is that going to happen to me now that. . . Anyway, my brain won’t shut up!

So, that’s what I’m dealing with right now.  Thanks for reading.

Drunk

Years ago, I saw a skit on MadTV or SNL that depicted a man getting drunk in a bar.  Several years later, the man woke up in the White House.  He learned from his bodyguard that he was in his second term as president and that he had successfully put an end to drugs and violence, annexed Cuba, and married a super model.  He had managed to do all of these things while drunk.  The man immediately asked for more alcohol so that he could go back into his drunken stupor.

Do you ever feel like a good portion of what we do is to numb ourselves to reality?  I’ve been struggling with this thought lately.  It’s really easy to imagine this is the case when you see someone getting drunk on alcohol or getting high on drugs.  Most of the people I work with work hard all week long and party even harder all weekend.  I used to look at this and wonder how the best thing they could think of to do with their time was get wasted.

What I’ve started to realize lately is that it’s not just them.  It’s me.  As a recovering porn addict, I used to numb myself with images of smiling lovers who were always eager.  Having seen the destination that path leads to, I am fighting for sobriety.  But even without pornography, I numb myself with simple things I do every day.  I numb myself to the fact that there is a bigger reality out there.

Every now and then, I get a glimpse of this reality.  I realize that I should be doing something more.  I feel like calling up my closest friends and saying, “Let’s do this.  Let’s save the world!”  But then I immediately start to numb myself again.  It may be something as simple as Facebook.  Anything to distract myself from reality.  I get drunk in things that don’t matter to keep myself from noticing the things that do matter. 

I feel like I have to make a change.  I have to stop numbing myself to reality and start pursuing reality.  I don’t want to wake up every morning begging for alcohol to numb myself.  I don’t want to go through life as a functioning drunk.  I want to live life.  I want to catch a bigger glimpse of the real world.

Nothing to Say

Friends,

I find myself with nothing to say.  Every time I think of writing a blog, I realize that I’d rather not.  I’m not sure exactly why that is, but for the moment, I am on a break.  I may come back to writing here eventually.  I will continue to read, but for the moment, I am not writing.

CQ

Win/Lose

One of the things that I’m learning is that all of my criticism of the institutional church and especially “pastors” for not trusting the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers has come back on me.  I’m realizing just how difficult it is for me to trust the Holy Spirit.  Over the past week or so, we have continued to make gains in growing into an organic church through meetings, LTG’s, and developing a real sense of family.  We have also suffered losses.  I find that whenever those losses occur, I want to try to take control of those involved.

My friend, Bridget, has left our group perhaps for good.  It is not due to anything that any of us have done in particular.  She just made a choice.  Bridget is someone we have been involved with for over a  year in one capacity or another.  For a while, she lived with my family.  Most recently, she lived with my sister.  Through all of this, we have tried to share the Gospel with Bridget and help her to come into a relationship with Christ.  Bridget has a couple of issues that she refuses to give up.  One is that she loves to use drugs.  Another is that she does not want to and actually believes that she cannot go without having sex.  Because my sister would not allow her to do either of these things in her home, Bridget left my sister’s home to move in with a man she only met a few days ago.  In the process, she broke up with the boyfriend that she was weeping over only a week ago.

In his Runelords series, David Farland creates a world of knights, castles, and monsters.  Runelords are knights who have acquired abilities from others so that if a Runelord has an extra endowment of brawn, he becomes as strong as two men while the one who gave him the endowment loses most of his strength and has to be cared for by nurses.  In this series, Farland develops a character known as the Earth King who has been given a task of saving a remnant of mankind from the dark days ahead.  Whenever those the Earth King has chosen are killed, he feels the loss greatly.  He describes it as the way the earth feels when plants who are taking root in the soil are ripped out.  I feel that this is a very applicable term in the world of organic church.  Whenever someone is plucked away from our fellowship either through their own choice or some other circumstance, I feel like the earth does when roots are plucked out.

Still, not everything is a loss.  What I have to remember is that some of these people, perhaps one day even Bridget, will be planted somewhere else.  The Master Gardener is in control of the whole thing.  While it may be painful to have someone uprooted, I must trust that God’s eyes have not left Bridget, and that He will not stop pursuing her.

Elitism

The other day, I picked up a copy of a book on organic church.  The author of this book is someone I deeply respect, but I found myself disagreeing with him almost immediately on a number of important issues.  While I would not even know of organic church without this person, I find that their version of organic church is not organic enough for me.

The point of disagreement basically came down to the fact that this person believes that apostles are necessary for starting organic churches.  This person considers himself an apostolic worker, and I have no doubt that he is.  It just brought to mind a thought that, “It is really easy to be elitist if you are part of the elite.”

Now, I don’t want anyone reading this to think that I do not respect this man, because I do.  I don’t want anyone reading this to think that just because I disagree with him on one point that means he is not trustworthy, because that is not the case.  In the end, I think there is enough room for us to disagree on these issues.  I’m okay with things not being perfectly black and white.

Most of my readers know that my last experience with institutional was not exactly pleasant.  I dealt with a man who was insulted if you did not say “pastor” before saying his first name.  This same man described those who are “called to ministry” as “part of an elite class.”  This left a really bad taste in my mouth.

The point of this blog is simply that we’re very quick to exclude others as long as we are included.  An apostle can easily say that only apostles can plant organic churches.  A pastor can easily say that only pastors should speak in church meetings.  I’d even offer that a straight person can very easily say that only straight people can marry.

I don’t mean for that last sentence to spark a debate about gay marriage.  I just mean that as a straight person, it’s a lot easier for me to digest the idea that gay people should not be allowed to marry.  If I lived in a place where straight people weren’t allowed to marry, I would not be happy with that. 

Another issue to consider is that as a natural-born citizen of the United States, I can easily say that undocumented immigrants are not allowed the same rights that I have.  It’s so easy to see how righteous the cause of the elite is if you are one of them.  Again, I’m not trying to sway anyone’s political leanings one way or the other, I’m just saying that we should look at these issues with grace and compassion.

I think that I need to think about this in all areas of my life and determine where I might be part of an elite group that I afford special rights to then ask myself if it’s right.  That’s a good assignment for the weekend.  See you next week.

Beautiful Bride

On Tuesday night, we had a great meeting.  We have been discussing our way through Romans for the past few weeks while enjoying a shared meal.  As we continue to do so, I am amazed at how easily our meetings flow when God is in control.  There is no need for an external control to force certain things to happen at specific times.  Instead, Jesus directs the meeting in such a way that each person gets to share, teach, and be encouraged. 

My friend Bridget came for the first time, and I wish I could say that she enjoyed herself. I think she was too wrapped up in some problems to really get into the discussion.  I don’t mean to say that we ignored Bridget or her needs.  In fact, my sister has provided Bridget with a place to stay since she and her boyfriend moved out of the motel.  My friend is upset because she cannot see her boyfriend as much as she wants and he cannot live with her.  We sympathized with her need, offered her advice, and loved her.  I feel like she was not ready to receive it, but I think next week will be better for her.  She has started opening up, and her boyfriend has told her that she needs to focus on the positive and stop feeling sorry for herself.  Coming from him, this had a big impact on her. 

I’m at the point where I almost wish weekends went by faster so that we can get back to Tuesday.  Tuesdays are just so much fun.  I never leave feeling anything but refreshed and loved.  On the other hand, I’ve come to dread Sunday mornings, because I worry I’ll end up at an institutional church.  This usually leads to me sitting through the sermon wishing it was time to go to lunch.  I’m not saying there is nothing to get out of a traditional church setting or that it is wrong to enjoy this, I’m just saying that it does not appeal to me.

Tonight, the women from our meeting are doing an LTG.  There are really enough women to do two LTG’s, but they will probably start off as one group and then split in a couple of weeks.  The women have been a bit reluctant to adopt the LTG model.  I started one last week with one of the guys from the group.  We have been enjoying our meeting and I feel that it is stretching us spiritually.  I hope that the women equally enjoy their meeting.

It remains to see what God will do.  Is this the beginning of an organic church planting movement in our area or is this just a special thing God is doing in our lives right now?  The truth is that I just don’t know.  I don’t know, but I’m learning to be okay with not knowing.  God is the one in control.  All we are charged with is loving Him and making disciples.  He will do what He wants. 

Also, I’d love to hear from some of you who are finding this blog through searches like “quaker simple church” and “quakers vs. organic church.”  I think we can have some good conversations about these topics.  If you’d like to talk, feel free to use the Contact page.  I may blog more on these topics later.

Compliment

A few weeks ago, I invited my co-worker, Tina, to our home group meeting because she started up a conversation with me about Mary Magdalene.  She has been to two of our meetings and is really excited about being part of an LTG.  Today, we were talking about work and she told me, “You know, the last time I was at your house, it was a nice break from the stress of life, to sit around with everyone and talk and eat, to talk about the Bible. I feel very comfortable there.”  To me, that was a huge compliment.

I think that’s really the key to having an organic meeting that’s going to make a difference.  A woman who has told me that she does not feel comfortable in church feels comfortable at our meeting.  That’s a really exciting thing to hear.  The best part is that Tina is already inviting other people to come to the group.  She told me that she invited a man she knows from the gym and he is really excited about the group.

We made a decision last week to have food every time.  We’ve agreed to take turns preparing and bringing food.  I think that helps to create community quickly and also creates a really relaxed atmosphere.  Plus, I love to eat, so I can’t complain about that.

We’re also borrowing an idea from a group called Green Church.  Starting this week, we’re going to have a sharing box.  People can bring food, clothes, money, or whatever they have to share.  Each week, a person will be selected to find someone to give the contents of the box to.  It’s a great way to promote generosity without having to deal with issues that might go along with tithing at an institutional church.

I’m really excited about this week.  I find that I have to agree with Tina that Tuesday nights are a great break from the stresses that I face in my day to day life.  The key is going to be in finding a way to expand Tuesday night into a way of life.  Only then can we truly be living out an organic faith.

Search Engine

I consider my blog to be the backwoods of the blogging world.  If I close my eyes, I can imagine dogs running around, someone playing a banjo, and a truck with mud tires parked out front.  I don’t think there’s anything particularly attractive about this blog of mine.  My writing skills are not and probably never will be on par with the blogs that get featured on the WordPress home page.  With that being said, I am sometimes amazed to find the number of people who do read these writings of mine. 

One of the ways that people often stumble into this boondocks blog is through search engines.  Some people search for more information on organic church, urban ministry, or ordination.  For those of you who have been reading for a while, you are probably familiar with the fact that not so long ago, I wanted to become an ordained minister.  I felt that it was necessary to fulfilling some sort of special calling on my life.  At the very least, I felt that it would let me know that God was truly okay with me.

Recently, someone found my blog through searching the following:  “i don’t know if i am called to ordination.”  Friend, if for some reason you’re reading this, I want you to know that what I’m about to write is dedicated to you.  I know that you’ve read the blogs I wrote when ordination was something I wanted, and I’m hoping that you’ll take the time to read this.  If you never do, perhaps a search engine will bring someone else here.

If asked today to define my views on ordination and the clergy in general, I would have to say that I left seminary because of these issues.  You see, when I became a Christian, I was surrounded by a group of people who said that anyone can be used by God to do anything God wants to do through that person.  Somewhere along the way, I got lost.  I found myself surrounded by the ordination squad.  It eventually came to a breaking point when I had a shouting match with my former pastor who told me that there was something unsettling about me.  He called me an “egalitarian” and an “idealist” as though these were curse words.

I now proudly wear those badges.  I am an egalitarian.  I believe in the Biblical concept of the priesthood of all believers.  All men live their lives before God.  Christ is the head of the church and of each man individually.  If we seek to become exalted in His kingdom, we must ask ourselves why.  For me, it was because I felt that it was necessary to minister to the urban poor.  It was also because I thought that ordination was God’s seal of approval, and I desperately needed to know that I was approved of by God.

Today, I walk a different path.  I am actively involved in church planting.  There is a house church that meets in my home.  This group of believers sits down and talks through the issues of faith.  Leadership exists to some extent, but it’s not defined by who is ordained or who gets to speak during meetings.  We are equal – we are egalitarian.  I have learned more from these meetings than in the decade I have spent as a professing Christian. 

If you want to be ordained and become the pastor of a church, I support you in that.  I just want to make you aware that there is something else out there.  We can trust the Holy Spirit.  As was once wrote of Aslan of Narnia, “He’s not safe, but he’s good.”  Our God is not safe, but He is good.  If you trust Him, He can show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.  You’re in my prayers.

Pimp

A few weeks ago, my  friend Bridget asked me to pick her up and give her a ride across town. Bridget is a friend who lived with my family for a few months when she first moved into town.  Unfortunately, a series of circumstances lead to us taking in another foster child.  At that time, Bridget had to move out due to a felony conviction on her juvenile record.

 Bridget seems to live from one emergency to another.  If her life isn’t in chaos, she doesn’t know what to do with herself.  Her latest emergency is the fact that she can never seem to afford to pay the rent at the motel she lives in with her boyfriend.  She hoped that I could giver her a ride so she could borrow money from another friend in order to pay the rent.

When I pulled into the driveway, a short Jewish woman came out and began to scream at me and point at the busy road behind me.  I rolled down the window and asked her what she wanted.  She said, “Sir, you do not belong her.  You must leave at once.”  I tried explaining that I was there to pick up my friend, but this only seemed to infuriate the woman who threatened to call the police.  I then asked if it would be possible to turn my car around rather than backing into the street.  She told me that I could not.

As I nervously backed onto the busy street, I got a call from Bridget.  I explained the situation to her, and she stated that she would talk to the woman.  Moments later, she called me saying that the woman accused her of being a prostitute and said that I was her pimp.

Neil Cole said, “Bad people make good soil - there’s a lot of fertilizer in their lives.”  I agree with that.  I really do hope that my friendship with Bridget will lead her into a real relationship with Jesus.  I also hope that through that, her entire sphere of influence can be lead to Christ.  The only problem with ministering to “bad people”  is that sometimes you get accused of being a pimp.  Still, people accused Jesus of all sorts of things for being willing to spend time with the outcasts of society.  I guess that I should be flattered.

I’m looking forward to tonight’s meeting and hoping that Bridget might join us.  Please pray for her and for the other people who are being drawn to our group.  Pray that God will transform them and that he’ll transform me into someone who doesn’t mind being called a pimp.